Our home is STUNNING. It is everything I have ever wanted in a house. A large kitchen island, a stone fireplace in a cozy room, brand new windows and siding that make it look modern, a huge soaker tub in a dream master bathroom. The natural light and smell of fresh carpet and wood call to me. The touches of black mixed with the neutral palette grab the attention of my eye. There is no reason not to love it.
But…
I feel nothing.
I should feel excited and elated to call this home mine. I have loved it for so long. After all, I loved it long before it looked like this!
I loved it for its wrap-around deck and five living spaces for us to sprawl out. I loved the tranquility of the backyard while still being in the city. The warmth of the fireplace on snowy days and the sun pouring through the skylights on sunny ones. It has been such a great home for us.
But I cannot seem to find these feelings anymore. The feelings are of the past. Now when I am there, I just look around at a house that no longer feels like mine.
I don’t feel love, happiness, anger or sadness. It’s like I am a void when it comes to the house. I can see its beauty but no longer feel it in my heart.
And because I don’t feel anything for it anymore, I know it means something. And that something is one idea we have not wanted to face yet. The idea that it is time to move on.
We have been in a strange place for the past year. An in-between of sorts. Josh accepted a job in Washburn in 2022. When he accepted the offer, he did it without talking with me. I was furious. But it was short lived once I heard him talk; I knew he did the right thing. He said it felt like “coming home.” He felt something in his soul and followed it. I understood this more than any logic he could have explained. After all, this decision was illogical for our life at that time.
Since I am the queen of following the stirrings in my soul whether they make sense to the world or not, I no longer questioned his decision. My anger dissipated and I already knew this decision would mean more for our family eventually.
As time progressed, we could see more of God's plan. Josh went to Washburn that fall, driving every day. We quickly trickled in right behind.
The boys and I were randomly (or not so randomly) invited to join their homeschool group (ironically on the exact day we started our homeschool journey last fall). Bray dipped his toes back into school in the spring of 2023 and decided it was the right path for him to go back full time. We fit into our homeschool group like a glove, loving all the ladies and children. Zander has found a good friend and Dax fits wherever he goes. We have joined a Lego Robotics group and a writing group there too. We find ourselves making the short drive more days than not.
Our life has organically transitioned there so there is really only one thing left to do. We’ve got to take the final step and live there.
God has been pulling us along and pointing the way. He has woven our life strings together seamlessly. It’s almost like He knew what we needed and when we would be ready for it. 😉🙃🥹 He even knew we would be reluctant to follow.
We have been reluctant because we have loved our home and our time in Bismarck. We are comfortable here. Our family and friends are here. We have built a life here for the past twenty years. It’s the only other city I have lived in besides my family home with my parents.
But our home is no longer that house.
And it hasn’t been for a year.
We have had time to detach from it. Our feelings have changed. Our life is not solely in the city of Bismarck. We are more open to new ideas and a new beginning in Washburn. We have spent significant amounts of time there over the past year seeing if it felt right for us and it does. We are ready.
I know there will be sad moments along this path. The boys will have a mix of emotions as we take this next step. But we know God is calling us to this and we are following.
The other week at church, Pastor Josh said something so profound. I think God was talking directly to me through him. Pastor Josh said, “You might be in line with what God wants for your life, but you may not be happy about it.” I felt this SO deeply in my soul. I felt it in regard to my homeschool journey but also as we were continuing to talk about our next step with the house. Our human side wants the 4,000 square foot home that is brand new! But our souls want a home of love and togetherness no matter the size or condition.
So here we go. We are moving on. Our house is ready and waiting for a new family to make their roots there. Whoever decides to love it will hopefully know how much we loved it too. We are turning the page of our book, ready to continue to follow God where he leads us. For now, that place is Washburn. We move forward with love in our hearts, fondness in our minds, and optimism for our future.