A new season is beginning in our lives.
I can feel it in my soul. It is quietly stirring me to turn on the fireplace, read my books, and settle my physical and mental bodies.
We are ready. Like really ready.
It’s been almost two years since our house fire. Two. And it’s taken me this long to see what’s been happening inside myself, maybe inside all five of us.
We’ve been in survival mode.
We’ve kept ourselves and our thoughts busy and moving forward. Always looking ahead and never behind.
Now that life is slowing and returning to us, I can see and feel the unrest within myself. I had this epiphany during a reiki session and I am so thankful I did. It’s allowed me to observe my actions and choices over the past two years. I can see how necessary it was to keep moving forward but also how maybe I didn’t really deal with the trauma of a house fire.
I can feel how I’ve been running on adrenaline, making so many decisions in short periods of time. The unrest of not having a house while reconciling the feeling of gratefulness of having the most important things…friends, family, a temporary place to live, our dog, the love and support of others.
We’ve made a lot of decisions while in a survival state.
Decisions like…
….deciding to start Brayden at Washburn school while continuing to homeschool Z and Dax. Only time will tell if this has been for the best. I can see how pulling your child out of school at such an older age just doesn’t work. There are so many obstacles to overcome. I’m jealous of all the mamas who were braver than I and followed their intuition from the beginning!
…continuing to run my business with a ‘business as usual’ mindset while we figured out a new home - returning to our burnt house to get signs each day. I did not openly share about our house fire with my business account. I had just purchased this new venture six days before the fire. I wanted to give myself the best shot I could. It was so difficult living in a hotel while figuring out such a huge life change for us.
…making our Bismarck house into a dream home but coming to terms that selling it was the better decision for our family. Oh, how we loved our home. It was even easier to love once it was all brand new! But every time I entered there, I knew I could not go back. It was no longer for us. It was ready for a new family.
…purchasing another old fixer-upper type of home in Washburn, not knowing the extent of the construction and time it would take to make it truly our home. There has been so much chaos surrounding our home situation. Living in a rental home, living in a camper, living in a house under construction. Two years is a long time to not feel rooted and settled.
Our house fire put life into a clear-as-glass perspective.
I tend to be a ‘live like you're dying’ kind of person but that one event set my life onto a clear path.
I didn’t often think about my house. It was just a constant in my life - always there. I returned to it and left it, knowing it was a secure place. So once that was removed from us unexpectedly, I turned off a lot of feelings. Feelings that are now returning to me…
The feeling of despair and desperation as I stood in the street crying, talking with firemen and police officers. The feeling of safety as my mom arrived, hugging me, and taking the boys with her. The feeling of overwhelm when walking into the house - smoke filled, chaos with so many rescue workers, stepping over insulation and possessions. The feeling of instability as I hyperventilated in the hallway, seeing everything was black around me: walls, floors, furniture. Ugh. Such raw memories.
All these things are burned into my memory. (*pun intended. After we cry, we laugh, right? 🤪)
I know the outpouring of love and support is what has sustained us over the past two years.
Now that our Washburn house is nearing completion, we are ready to move out of survival mode. We are ready to settle our brains and our lives so we can let in God’s goodness even more. He has provided for us through His people (probably you if you’re reading this!) and we want to continue to remember this so we can give to others too.
I know everyone has something similar in their lives. Maybe not a house fire but something that sent you running into survival mode without even knowing it happened. It’s miraculous really - my brain can protect me from myself! I can make decisions, be a mom, and be a functioning citizen while storing the trauma for another time. A time when it is ready to come out and be dealt with.
Trauma and life is a process; this is a fact I have to remind myself of often. I generally want to reach a destination of ‘done…finished…over…complete.’ But I realize I am an ever-evolving human who will never be any of these things in this lifetime.
It's the end of 2024. The leaves are almost gone from the trees, the mornings are cool but not cold, and my fireplace is ready to be used. The dormant season is setting in. The weather is inviting us to settle into our new home and grow some roots.
While we do not know our future, I feel like I am ‘done’ when it comes to houses. I do not have any more desires for bigger, better, or more construction!
The snow will give us a clean landscape, a clearing of what we have been holding on to.
Winter will never be my favorite time of year but I understand the purpose of this season for us.
I am welcoming the stability of a home, a place that is ours again. I did not realize the importance of this aspect of life until we no longer had it. I am grateful and thankful to be reminded of it, to have the time to appreciate it, and really be in my home.
Come winter, come. ⛄️
We. Are. Ready.
Sincerely,
The Sharps
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