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  • The Sharp Spot

Infinite time

Time + freedom = homeschool

I do. I actually have time. It feels infinite instead of finite.

I have the time to say yes, read another book, come watch you play that stupid game again, play basketball with you, and let you fall asleep on me no matter how early or how late.

Infinite time looks like…

…being done walking at the YMCA but my boys are continuing to play so I sit and watch. I do not say “let’s go.”

…saying, ”sure, you can do that later.”

…letting them sleep until their own bodies wake them.

…staying outside until their boots are soaking and they decide to be done.

…pulling back into the library parking lot when we see friends pull in.

…playing board games and having hot beverages every morning before starting anything more serious.

…calling pajamas clothes for the day because we aren’t going anywhere.

Time looks like this for us right now.

I have been a mom for twelve years.

I have never felt this before. Never.

I have always felt rushed to do everything: read to the boys, get them bathed (or more recently nag them incessantly to bathe themselves), get dressed, eat, just everything.

I was treating life like we were missing it. Like there was always something better we had to hurry to. Get to the next thing. We were not living life but running after it.

I didn’t realize how much I was doing this until now. Until I’m not.

Our days stretch before us as endless opportunities.

Yeah sure we do our math and reading but then we get on to the good stuff. And sometimes we don’t do our math and reading until last. Until we feel like it, and if we don’t do it today, there is always tomorrow. And the tomorrow after that . And the one after that.

Our days are filled with leisure and love. And it is filling my cup.

Last night Josh was picking Bray up from basketball while I was tucking the other two in. Zander was waiting in his room, organizing his bed and stuffies while I was reading with Dax. Zander showed up at the door and I was thinking he was going to ask how long I would be but instead he just sort of stood there. I started to tell him I would be just a few more minutes but Dax interrupted and asked if he wanted to read with us.

Zander crawled right into my lap and snuggled right in to listen to Dax read his favorite book. Zander read the other book to us both. I sat there for those 10 minutes treasuring and savoring the feel of it all.

The feel of this new found freedom.

Even though it was “past bedtime,” I didn’t feel a need to tell anyone to stop. I just wanted to stay in the moment: one son with a head on my shoulder listening to his older brother read him Steam Train Dream Train; Zander in my lap, too big but trying to still fit. Me holding on, wishing to be able to keep him.

If this had happened while we were at school, I would have told Zander to get to his room and wait for me. I would have told Dax we only had time for one book, not two. I would not have been listening, only worrying about how late it already was, distracted by Brayden having practice until nine at night and still having to shower when he got home, knowing the garage door opening would distract Z and Dax so our bedtime routine would be interrupted. None of this ever felt fun or good. It just was a means to an end: get them to bed so I can get other things done.

I still have to remind myself I have all this time. It is so foreign. I will catch myself about to say, “Hurry up, let’s go!” as we are preparing to leave the house. Then I stop and think to myself, why would I say that anymore? We have our own schedule - one we are creating. We can be late, early, on time - none of it is relevant. We will get there when we do.

If other people live their lives with this freedom, wow, good for you. It is something I have never known but has set my soul flying. I look forward to each morning, knowing the day stretches forth in front of me.

While I know I have been working to a place of un-busy, it continues to unravel itself. I thought I was there. But once I remove something, more reveals itself.

We all have infinite and finite time. We are each given a certain amount of time but we do not know how much it is. I am not here to waste it no matter how much or little it is.

Every day I do this and spend time with my boys. I want to do it again. No matter how difficult the day, or my mistakes, I want to do it again.

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