I have just the embers of an idea. A possible next life adventure.
I cannot fully describe what I am going to do or the magnitude of it. Just the feeling that I must do it.
This will require me to face my biggest fears. My fear of being enough, being home with my children (other people’s children are a piece of cake compared to my own), and trusting that we truly are provided for in every way. I have to take a ginormous leap of faith. Mostly faith in myself and this ember of an idea I have.
This burning idea is that we no longer need school. I am starting to form the opinion no one needs school in the traditional sense anymore but I cannot yet fully support this belief. As this belief takes hold, I must test it out to see if it can be done. I think I am the perfect person to do so.
Why? Because I have known nothing but school. I completed six years of post high school work to obtain a bachelor’s and master's degree and have only worked in schools (minus college and high school random jobs). While I did not love school, I was good at it. It was easy: teacher tells me to do something, I do it and excel at it to receive my perfect grade. Every. Time. High School Salutatorian, graduate college with honors, leader, change maker. Within six years of teaching, I became an admin to put my dream of changing schools in motion.
Seem too easy?
Yep, you’re right.
I have since birthed three sons and encountered countless other students and families who now show me that ‘school’ is not learning. School is not easy and not made for everyone.
Huh. Who knew?
Certainly not me. Not through my own experiences.
Well, now I have learned this lesson in every painful way. It hit me in the gut every time my son’s teacher called, every email, every angry parent, every closed teacher, every new school. Is it the school system or is it children? Maybe it’s both.
Either way, I believe God gave me these children for a reason. I believe He is sending me a message and purpose. He gave me the ones who do not conform, who want something different. They are right in my house, not anyone else’s.
I have told many people I believe my purpose in this world is to change the system of education. I just thought it would be a hell of a lot easier than this.
Easier than quitting a high income job that provided for my comfortable life. Easier than the possibility of telling my director I don’t believe in school anymore. Easier than no longer have a paycheck like I have always had. Easier than eating my words about being a stay at home mom and homeschooling. Easier than having to give up so many things only to obtain the one thing I was sent here to do.
Sounds about right though doesn’t it?
I know myself and I know my heart. I’ve come to know both of these a lot deeper in the last couple years. I have tried to walk away from this path. I don’t actually want it this way. I do not want to risk my children’s future (sounds dramatic) over an ember of an idea.
But yet.
I know this ember will not fade. My husband knows best that when my mind is set, I go. There isn’t one word that anyone can say that will stop me. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on the ending here, he comes along for the ride. (God gave me him for a reason too.) 😉
So, my plan has started to form. I know I’m smart and l’m determined too. I’m becoming more resourceful and this year has taught me I am okay with failure and getting up to try again. My heart and mind are open to possibility. I am going to embark on the journey. Willing or unwilling, I know it will come and I will go.
In time, I hope to be able to write that this was all worth it. Worth the sacrifice and tears. My children, myself, and my family will come out better on the other side. It’s a risk and a chance. I know there will be many failures along the way. I know this deeply. But I also know God will remain with me too. For this ember is His. For my will is no longer my own. It is His. My true hope is that this ember becomes a blaze. And this blaze will be a beacon of hope and light for others to follow